Act I, Part 2: Mastering My Master

Last post I talked about my bed-dwelling habits that stemmed from my overactive emotional side. Oh, emotions. I have always been an emotional thinker. I am so sensitive to everything people say or do. I take almost everything personally.

When I was a child, I described myself as a bit of a "spaz". My emotions would react to situations I encountered before my logic and reason even had a chance to process what was happening. I remember once in grade 6, a boy in my class was making fun of me or something and my automatic reaction was to try to flip his desk on him. Good times, good times. It didn't work cause he was bigger than me, but it's the thought that counts.

That was me, sensitive to everything, emotions always running high. It's always been my greatest weakness and my largest stumbling block.

I don't really know about your life, but I figure we all have things that control us to a certain degree. All through my life I have been controlled by my emotions and it has almost always gotten me into trouble. Hence the bed-dwelling social strategy. Once you've identified your master, that which overcomes your life, I believe you have a choice. You can allow yourself to be overcome, or you can master that which overcomes you.

My emotions ran rampant and controlled my life for oh so long. And it wasn't seriously detrimental enough for me to bother to take action against it. Oh, but then it was seriously detrimental. For a while I let it happen. It was like I was watching my life happen from a perspective not my own and I just let the scene play out in front of me.

But then, after a while, I got to a point where I was like ummmm you know what, no. I am sick of not being in control of my own life. So, I gave it a try. And I gave it a hard try, not a shallow try. This was my freakin life. NUH-UH I'm done with this crap. It was great and all wallowing in my sadness but I was kinda over it. And believe me when I say that taking control of that which controls you is not easy and I know it. It took literally every bit of strength and energy I had to make the conscience effort to fight against my controller.

The reason I was able to take control was because of the heartbreak of a harsh reality hitting me square in the face. It broke my comfort. It made me uncomfortable accepting the lies and over-exaggerations my crazy emotions tried to feed me. It made me critical of what I was thinking and feeling. I didn't trust much. I had been let down.

I honestly can't even tell you exactly how it happened. But somewhere between heartbreak and recovery, a different side of me emerged. I started thinking more and feeling less. I'm not a heartless monster but my emotions do not rule my life. My emotions had gotten so crazy and out of control they had led me to a do-or-die moment. I had a choice give up or to fight back. And I fought.

I really wish I could talk to 16 year old Laura. I wish I could tell her that she is so much more than she thinks she is. I wish I could let her know that one day she will really, truly love herself and that none of what is eating away at her will matter anymore. I wish I could tell her that one day she'll win. That she'll conquer.

Spending a day or two relaxing in bed is a wonderful thing. When the bed life is everyday life, when it becomes your lifestyle, you have a problem. It should be your choice to relax in bed, not something done out of compulsion and fear of the outside world. Bed won't save you. But you can save you. (with some help)